Tag: Humor

Of Fish and Cattle

We used to fish
there, under a
short bridge spanning
a silver sliver of the
cow pasture, an oddly
monikered river
to be sure but
chubs and
horny heads
galore could be
wrangled ashore
most any afternoon
between bites of
prepackaged 7-11
ham and cheese
sandwiches
I have to
hand it to the
cows, though,
such crafty beasts,
not one bovine ever
nibbled my line

Paradise Lost (apologies to Milton)

I am there
on an old map
of the world amid the
yellowed parchment’s
crumbling continents
but you can’t see me –
mystery that I am –
far away in the East
in the deep
beyond the legend
“Here There Be Dragons”
and if I stay there
I fancy
I’ll live
forever
bathing
undiscovered
in the fresh
sea air,
swimming with
giant turtles . . .

But someone must take
out the dogs to pee

Surely I’ll be seen
and once confirmed alive
larger forces will insist
I age and die

How easily grand plans
dissolve in the glaring
light of life!

Yet I am
resolved
to swim
again
with the
turtles
tomorrow

no bake messiah recipe

It pays to be a god
BEFORE
you’re dead,
and the recipe
to make that kind
of bread
can be read
in any
history
book –
just follow
these simple steps!

By rule
fools
will
be led

MUST
be led
and you

if you’re
clever and can
cobble enough
together
that believe your
well blended
blather

then you

like past masters
of the godly
ruse
will be paid
handsomely
too

slice and serve

Woody

He’s the foreman,
crimson hardhat
nose like a
jackhammer
and a knack
for extracting
bugs from
the knottiest
problems.
You’ve probably
seen him,
up in the
trees

Albatross

Finally sun

sans apology
for being gone
so long,
still haughty
and hot
sweat sluicing
down through
awkward spots

Finally sun

My penance for
shooting away
the pouring rain,
burning my neck
sits Sol’s
searing chain!

Finally sun

I must borrow
a towel, or become
a guacharo!
Shall you come again
tomorrow?

Funny Bone

I am touched by the
outpourings of concern for the
potency of my penis
that propagate in my
junk
file,
but these missives
are positing
a creeping paranoia
over my performance.
The offers are
premature,
I am not –
yet,
but their
crystal balls
see a safe bet
and they won’t curtail
their advances,
waiting for their
chance,
that fateful day
when I awake
forlorn,
limp, and
looking
to get things
cooking again

Gangsta Word Nerd

I could crush you
with my poetry,
trust me,
but I’m too
lazy,
pissing away
my gift
on red wine
and Netflix,
no time
for sublime
words and
rhymes that
would leave
you blind,
my mind
far past
the sad
missives
of the masses –
behold this power
scratched out
in a quarter
of an hour!
DJ,
gimme a
beat,
all the
pretenders
retreat,
I’m the OG
on this street,
if you are careless
you will bleed

The Beginning of the End – Again

Deconstructing the
Dickens Village,
it’s all silly
after the porridge
and the 25th,
L.L.Cool J
cranked up loud,
“Mama said
knock you out,”
and Frank and
Bing have left
the house,
nothing’s stirring,
not even a
mouse – normal
is calling
and I’m
reclaiming
the couch